Joke for the ladies

Joke for the ladies


I've shared this with a few of you. I still makes me laugh to the point of crying. And just to clarify, this is not what happened to me. I'm not crazy enough to attempt this.

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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Came home, fixed dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!)


I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my nether region and
stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself.........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!! !! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY HEAVENS!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly
and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay conscious...Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still
! propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot
down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

Nether regions? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't ! melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
-
"So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her
the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.


YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better! then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
HEAVENS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works !!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to
try hair color......

Southern Charm

Born and raised in the South, I understand it has a certain charm that others may not understand. For example....

This morning's traffic report for Lexington, KY included a traffic jam that was caused by "vehicle vs. cow." Yes, that's right, it made the morning news. Apparently a cow wandered into the street without a turn signal and caused news worthy traffic. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen in the north.

(all jokes aside I hope the cow is ok)

Ode to stupid people

In college, my friends and I used to send each other stupid people citings. It's been a while, but I have one to share.

Today was the 4th of July. Historically, most cities large and small set off fireworks to celebrate. Often these can be noisy, as they are a colorful explosion. For the past week, people in my apartment complex have been setting them off periodically through the night.

Tonight after the big fireworks display downtown, we all drove back to my apartment. Neighbors were setting them off large and small, but mostly noisy. Carrie bought a set of 4 small sparkly candle type things. We set off one, and then congratulated ourselves for not singeing our eyebrows. 2 minutes later, a pink furry blob of a pissed off woman came storming out of the building across the way. Standing in her pink robe, she demanded to know if we were setting fireworks off right here. She huffed and puffed, and in the bitchiest way possible told us we were setting them off right outside her window and to keep it down cause she had to work at 5am. We apologized as we were not trying to be rude.

However......

First, I'd like to point out that she also had a small lackey. He was a bit taller, but much thinner than her.....and hid behind her the entire time. For his sake, I really hope he was just a neighbor helping out. Poor kid.

Secondly, as she's bitching us out for our sparkly (noiseless) candle, fireworks the volume of cannons were going off in the background. It was really hard to not laugh.

So here's a tribute to those who have to work at 5am in the morning, those who have to sleep next to a pink furry blob, and for those who weren't able to celebrate the 4th with fireworks and friends.

We had good times! Happy 4th!

A time to reflect on friends

I just got back from my vacation/reunion with my boys from college. We met 7 years ago and have seen each other through the cliqued "ups and downs." I don't have many memories of college without at least one of them in it... (however fuzzy that memory may be)

We had a blast just hanging at Brandon's, the pool, and all of the strip clubs in a 30 mile radius, golfing, walking on the beach, making up an alias and background story, driving to the beach listening "What you know," (T.I.) on repeat, and laughing that we picked the weekend to visit when it was Black Biker Weekend. Nice.

But the most satisfying part of the trip was knowing that with all of our changes and even losing touch for a while, we're closer than ever. (Though I regrettably had to inform them that at some point in these 7 years, I turned into a girl.)

I'm so blessed to have friends like these!

Nicknames

I've had a lot of nicknames (MB, Ice Queen, Marr-Bef, etc) but my new nickname was assigned by Jay. He was watching too much Star Wars and named us all Darth names. I'm officially Darth Shorty. (true meaning of Darth stuff because Jay corrupted us all in college)

But I really do think I'm getting shorter! You know when you hug someone you both have your spots. I usually hug guy friends around their waist and my head rests on their chest. But I noticed when I saw my friends again after a long time...the spot moved.

So I'm either shrinking or their playing a cruel joke and growing without admitting it. I think I'm still 5'3....?

Was '98 really that long ago?

I got a bulletin from a HS classmate tonight. Reminding us to sign up to recieve updates about our upcoming 10 year reunion. I just about fell out of my chair.

10 years? Really?

Then I got to thinking about what I've done since graduation (in 98 thank you). I've been to 4 colleges, visited 20 states, moved to 2 new states, made new friends, kept in touch with...well...not really anyone anymore,

have seen several friends/ex's get married, had my heart broken, fallen in love, had the stupid heart broken again...and again...

.. had short hair, had long hair, then short again, dyed it blond, then red, brown, blond, brown,...well, you get the idea....

read countless books, wasted countless hours in front of the TV,

lost myself, then found myself only stronger,

And then I realized that I'm in a good place to start planning for a reunion. Sure I'll see the same people who were always hoping I failed...but I can take it for what it is. Touching base with the people who helped mold me into who I am or who I wanted to be.

In a way I'm still the innocent HS kid with wide eyes and an open heart....just smarter.

Weekend with Nita/Tuesdays with Morrie

This weekend I flew to FL to spend time with my favorite aunt. This summer we discovered that she has cancer again, and this time it's terminal. I had such a great time with her! But it's hard to have a weekend like this without wondering when or if we'll have another one. If she hadn't lost her hair from the treatments, you'd never guess she were sick. But cancer is a mysterious thing, so we don't really know how long she's going to be with us. Needless to say we're soaking up as many memories as possible.

I left my book on the plane to FL, so I picked up Tuesdays with Morrie to read on the way home. I really wish I would have read it before this trip. It was such an interesting commentary on life, death, emotions, and inspiration.

In the book the author asked some bold questions to a dying mentor, but came away with amazing information. It makes me wish I had not been afraid to confront Nita's inevitable death with more questions about who she is so that I can carry her legacy. I can only pray for more days to ask and learn.

I think we all have someone we know (young or old) who has lived an amazing life. Rather than being wrapped in ourselves, we should take advantage of our time together. After all, when we die, all that remains are our relationships and legacy.